The Value of Just Listening

Have you ever been frustrated with someone who just needed to listen to what you had to say, but they wouldn’t allow you to finish your point or sentence or assumed they heard you say or mean something else? Has your wife or husband ever told you, “I wish you would just listen, honey.”? Have you ever thought: I wish she would just ask me what I really meant, hear my story, so she can help me better, instead of jumping to conclusion?

Listening makes people feel loved, valued, affirmed, and that you sincerely and genuinely care about them. It is one of the most important factors to communication and understanding. Listening does not equate to hearing. God gave us ears to hear and a heart to understand. Put your heart into hearing to listen well.

We all have a passion or two about some things in our lives. As adults, we have some sort of leadership such as parenting, taking care of our patients, being a bible study group leader. And, being a great leader means you must have great listening skills because it leads to better problem-solving, understanding, and trust from the other person.

Most recently, I have been really passionate about what it means and what it takes to be a good listener because I have been on that other end. For instance, I was expressing a concern I had at a staff meeting and my supervisor jumps right in and makes an assumption about what she thought I meant instead of asking me to clarify or even give examples to my concern. Another situation was when I was going over some of the feelings and concerns I had with my husband about household stuff, and in the middle of my sentence, he told me he understands and doesn’t need for me to reiterate. These are classic examples of poor listening. It’s as if I have been rejected and the feelings I experienced were: I am not worthy, I am not loved, my concerns do not matter, I have been misunderstood…

So, really, the question is…do we want to be that person? If we fail to listen to our fellow man, to other people, to our friends, to our spouse, to our children, so we fail to listen carefully to the instructions of the Lord. Paul warned us against quenching the Spirit in 1 Thessalonians 5:19. This goes hand-in-hand with actively listening to the Holy Spirit who is in us in those who have accepted Jesus Christ as our Savior. Listening well is vital for understanding the communicator. It lets the other person know that their feelings, concerns, and fears are not being extinguished or quenched. Listening well helps you to fully understand the person’s concerns, fears, anxiety, belief, and so on. It helps you to break down that wall one brick at a time. Therefore, do not diminish another person due to your poor listening skills. Instead, listen carefully to what the other person has to say. Ask questions. Clarify.

When my husband and I went to marriage counseling a few years ago, one of the most important things we learned about our marriage was that we were not great communicators. We were terrible. My take-away from the counseling was the ability and the need to mirror our conversation with each other. Our therapist had us mirroring each other’s sentences. It helped a whole lot in terms of understanding what the other person had to say. But, how did that fall by the wayside? We have to truly be proactive about actively listening to show that we care.

James, Jesus’ brother, a leader in the Jerusalem church advised us, “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (James 1:19, NIV). When we do not listen or listen too little and speak too much, we are communicating to the other person that what we think, our ideas, and our concerns are more important than theirs. We must be aware and keep track of our listening and our talking. Smoke detectors should come on when we are just hearing and not listening, when we talk about our life situation more than asking the other person about how they are doing or what they are going through. Let the other person know that you care about them, that you love them, and that they have value in your life by actively listening and verify that their points have been understood. Let this hit home with you: “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame” (Proverbs 18:13, ESV). God gave us ears to hear, so let your heart and mind listen for understanding.