Learning from the Geese in Leadership

Leaders should never stop learning and growing, especially as nurses in the health care profession. To be an effective leader, you must first be an active follower and participant in the team you are leading. The roles of a follower and a leader should be interchangeable and must be switched when the time calls for it for many different reasons. The failure to do so could lead to preventable disengagement of the entire team eventually losing sight of the end goal. One of the primary objectives of a leader should be to experience successful outcomes knowing what factors led the team to that accomplishment. There are many principle components in the making of a competent leader, including the ability to communicate well and often, collaborate and network with the interprofessional team, problem-solve and troubleshoot issues based on renowned nursing models, having a shared vision for the improvement of structure, culture and morale, being a risk manager and coming up with action plans, empowering others in the team to lead and take leadership roles within the organization, and continued development of oneself as an individual, a professional, and a leader (Grossman & Valiga, 2017, p. 109). More power to the team whose members already encompass some of these components as individuals.

With ongoing demand for nurses to function as leaders in their areas of work, they must be given proper tools, support, encouragement, and definitely a great role model of a good leader to successfully run the operations of the daily work. This exemplifies a team collaborating well together with a great sense of awareness including appreciation for one another’s expertise and strengths along with the differences that each member of the team has to offer. Additionally, individuals of the team must possess courageous behavior to speak up and challenge the leader and each other when needed, especially when things are headed in the wrong direction. It is almost like running a code blue—each person has their role in the active pursuit of saving the life of the person who had just experienced cardiac arrest. If the physician orders for a dose of epinephrine to be given when instead, a cardiac shock should be delivered, the physician is relying on his or her team members to speak up to correct the order given. Being a follower is not a passive role. And, when the follower speaks up and challenges something that does not seem right, this action demonstrates leadership. As well-stated by Grossman and Valiga (2017), “Nurses need to mentor each other and call on the strengths of one another, much like geese who fly in a “V” formation” (p. 118).

As an assistant nurse manager of perioperative services, I am in constant quest for leaders within my team. I take the time to get to know my people. I learn their strengths and weaknesses, observe how they lead in their own areas of work, find strategic ways to turn their weaknesses into opportunities for growth, and analyze how their strengths can contribute to the whole good of the department outside of their patient care roles in terms of projects and committees. I am well-aware that I cannot do it all on my own in the successful operations of my department. This awareness comes with much self-reflection on my part to see my own strengths and weaknesses. I also need to realize when I need help from my team, peers and other mentors in my discipline. To successfully run and lead the daily workflow and operations of my department, I need more than 2 to 3 other ‘leaders’ for those back up plans when sick calls come in or vacation coverage is needed, and so forth. Because of this awareness, I strategically place my leaders where they are needed and would benefit the most. I intentionally pair up a weak operating room circulator with a strong surgical technician, or vice versa, to balance out the performance of the team encouraging the high-performing individual to help guide the other. I share these strategies with my team members so that they are aware of my goals and intention and become successful in problem-solving on their own in my absence. I do my best to setup my department in a way that when I am off-campus for class, conferences, or meetings, the other ‘leaders’ in my department can still function without me.

Leading is no easy task. We are all leaders in our daily roles whether we are bedside nurses, clinical nurse educators, or nurse managers. Whatever specialty or role we chose to be as nurses, we are leading the way to influencing and impacting this health care industry in many positive ways through our leadership in the areas we work. But, first, let us not forget that we must be good followers in order to also be great leaders in an effort of making a lasting impact delivering quality care and positive outcomes. To get there, we must work together with a shared, common vision and mission. We need to build others up and see the potential in each individual to lead, creating sustainable outcomes. Let us all learn from the geese in their leadership!

References

Grossman, S. & Valiga, T.M. (2017). The new leadership challenge-creating the future of nursing (5^th ed.). Philadelphia, PA: F.A. Davis Company.

My Inner Struggle

I’m a mom and a nurse. These are two pretty difficult and challenging jobs God blessed me with—and at times, it can be quite an emotional roller coaster. Over the last 13 years of my life, I have learned what it means to be a mom to a beautiful, willful, and fierce daughter. And, I continue to learn and grow as a mother.  It is not by any stretch of the imagination an easy duty. I am continually challenged with how to raise my daughter to be more like Christ in an imperfect world. Along with these challenges, I live in doubt and fear. I have doubts whether I am raising my daughter the right way, teaching her the right skills (life skills and home skills) from practical to complex, exposing her to the right influence and so on.

I do my best. We do our best as parents. My husband has been overwhelmingly supportive every step of the way. I’m proud of him. The many big important life-decisions we have made over the past several years we hope are shaping her up to be the young lady we long to see and most importantly, what God longs to see. We enrolled her into Sacred Heart Catholic School here in Patterson and it has been a wonderful journey. Although there have been some downs such as bullying, facing the mean-girls at school trying to mess with her self-confidence and self-esteem—Jewelene got through it and we overcame it together as a family. So far, at 13 years old (a teenager), I feel that Jewelene has great self-confidence with high self-esteem. She gets pretty excited about attending youth group activities at our new church called New Life Christian Center. She loves making new friends and sharing God stories with them. We recently transitioned into a different church in town and left our other family at Adventure Christian Church. We are all doing well as a family and as individuals in this difficult transition. We are embracing what God has to offer and doing our best to be servants of His. We were with Adventure for a good 4-5 years and leaving was one of the hardest things to do in life. But, God heals and recovers.

Back to my doubts as a mom, sometimes I question whether I focus too much on my other job as a nurse. Over the last 10 years of being a nurse, I have been faced with many new opportunities: from being a nursing supervisor at a skilled nursing facility to being the assistant director of nursing services there. Then I went on to working in the hospital as an acute care nurse. It became boring to me and so, I decided to pick up a whole new specialty as a nurse in the operating room. I remember the day vividly when I went into the director of surgical services office asking Sandy Mayer for a job in her department. I got the job. Within 2.5 months I was trained to circulate. A few months later, I was offered another job in the department to scrub open heart surgeries. The calls were rough—I’d be on call 7 days at a time every 3^rd week rotating with two other open heart scrub nurses. In the meantime, I was going to school to attain a Bachelor’s degree in nursing. It got to be pretty demanding trying to juggle raising a little daughter with my husband, working overtime, and going to school. Then God, saw all this and blessed me with a surgery center position where the hours were just what I needed (no calls, no weekends, no holidays). I was able to achieve my Bachelor’s degree goal and graduated from Grand Canyon University. Then, back to the hospital again, this time a Level 2 trauma center in the OR. Two years later, I was promoted to become a clinical coordinator for surgery covering several surgical service lines. This is where I currently leave off. Am I exhausted? Yes, absolutely! In fact, I think I am about 2 years into sleep deprivation. I can sleep in and take many naps all day long if I had the luxury to do so. Am I fulfilled? Maybe. These are many accomplishments and achievements in which I had never planned in my wildest dreams. Did God plan for all this to happen? No doubt about it!

Now, as I sit here on my day off and ponder my life as a mother after dropping off “Oh deer!” at school on Halloween morning—I wonder if I am doing all I can for little miss Jewelene. Sure, there’ll be times when she’ll be faced with trials and tribulations of many kinds and I will want to save her and do whatever I can to prevent all that from happening. But, then I wouldn’t be doing her any favor. James reminds us why Christians and human beings in general face trials and tribulations. James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ spoke to the 12 tribes scattered among the nations, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” (NIV, James 1:1-4) We can turn our hardships into times of learning, growing, and maturing. This is what we’ve been trying to encourage Jewelene with when she comes home and shares with us her challenging day(s). It doesn’t happen too often but it happens nonetheless. We would give her pointers and tips on how she should handle the situation in the future. There are times when we need to intervene as parents because there are certain things that are out of a teenager’s control. For instance, I reached out to one of the moms at the school to inform her that her daughter was not treating Jewelene kindly. We (as in the 2 moms and 2 daughters) met up for coffee the immediate Saturday morning to discuss the whys and how to resolve the issue. Two months later, things have improved between the two girls. They’re not best friends or anything close to it. But, the poor treatment towards Jewelene has subsided substantially. And, we always check in with her on a regular basis asking how that relationship is coming along. It has been uneventful on that regard.

Things don’t come easy and problems just do not go away if unaddressed. We can continue to wonder why God gives us sufferings, not only to adults but to children and teenagers, also. We must overcome hardships in order for His promises to get fulfilled. Some of those promises include greater hope and faith in Him along with an even greater confidence about the future. The problems that we face on a daily basis will develop our perseverance—which in turn will strengthen our character and deepen our trust in God. Just as Paul stated it clearly on peace and hope, “Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” (NIV, Romans 5:1-5) Beautifully stated right? Hopeful? Very much so! This is the scripture I stand on when I have doubts and fears and am faced with challenges at work and at home.

Reminder: being a mom to a teenager in the 21^st century is no easy task, especially with technology becoming more and more innovative. I just know in my heart that God gives me struggles because out of them—something certain is being produced. One certainty is my greater trust in God—trusting that He will carry me through and help me overcome my challenging days. Yes, as a mom and a nurse! My patience is being tested every day in some way. Some days I want to take my surgical cap off and call it quits. But, I am no quitter because God never quit on me nor will He ever. And, then there are certain days when I just want to go into the room and shut the world out because my teenager is too much to bear—with the attitude and the talking back. But, then I don’t. Because God never did that to me nor will He ever.

With that said I am going to do my best to be an intentional parent in our discipline and raising of Jewelene. I pray and pray that she will grow up to be a Romans 12 Christian. It’s sad and depressing to think that she only has a little over 4 years with us in this household before she’ll move out to go to college. It sure feels like we still have a lot of work to do in the 4 years. Please pray for us.

A Refreshing Kind of Partnership

As a family, we have had the great opportunity of attending other churches in our travels. We travel a considerable amount--weekend trips, international trips, out of the state trips and so forth. What we have enjoyed most in our travels is visiting different churches whenever we can. My husband and I have made it a point to attend a Bible-teaching church when we are out of town on a given Sunday.

 One of my favorite visits was when we visited Santa Cruz for the weekend. On our drive home Sunday morning, we intentionally stopped at Chip Ingram's Church called Venture Christian Church in Los Gatos, California. I had been tuning in to "Living on the Edge" on my podcast during my drive to work. I've grown a lot spiritually-speaking as an individual, a mother and a wife through listening to Chip's teachings along with some words of encouragement and application for work-life and life in this world in general. That Sunday morning, we walked into Venture without knowing what was on the agenda or who will be sharing the message--will it be Chip himself or one of his associate pastors. We were blessed! We got to see and hear Chip Ingram in the flesh. Wow! Just like how he sounds in his podcasts, same demeanor, and everything else. I was just glad to be there. It was nice to finally see in person someone who has shared and spoken God's Word into my life and has given me the spiritual filling I needed.

 Aside from being in awe of seeing someone I have long-respected and appreciated, the question is: what was the message that I was able to take home from Chip's sermon that morning?

 One word: partnership. It was partnership that I needed to hear. After all, we are in this world as Christians of the same kind of Spirit. Just as Paul spoke to the people of Corinth concerning spiritual gifts: "There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit distributes them. There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. There are different kinds of working, but in all of them and in everyone it is the same God at work," 1 Corinthians 12:4-6, NIV. What this means to me is we need not to be a church divided. Instead, we must reach out to other Bible-teaching churches, plug ourselves in to what other churches provide in which our own does not, and welcome others into our fellowship as well. There are certainly different gifts, places of service or worship, and activities which vary from congregation to congregation. Therefore, we must NOT limit ourselves to only what our church is offering for the spiritual growth of ourselves and our families--because all of these differences in gifts combined provide the best effects when they build up the body of Christ--the church.

This was what Chip encouraged in his sermon and message to the people that morning. He emphasized that churches must come together and partner with one another to continue on this mission to grow in spiritual thinking and living. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but once you come to the idea or belief that your church is the only true church of God and Christians should only come to your church, you are doing a disservice to Christ himself. Praise God and rejoice in the fact that He uses different Christian churches all over the world to minister to souls like yours and mine.

My encouragement to you brothers and sisters is: do not be afraid to venture out. I am not asking you to be a butterfly—fly to where the “Lord leads you that Sunday.” No! Not at all. It is spiritually healthy and important to be a member of a church that is able to offer you that spiritual filling when you are thirsty—in worship and in your service to the congregation. But, when you find yourselves still parched for the Word, for deeper and more profound messages—you must go and have a conversation with God, one-on-one and you ask him for guidance and where He truly needs to lead you. You’ll be surprised by what He’ll show you. And, when you go to Him in truth and in righteousness, whatever you ask will be given, when you seek,you will find, and when you knock, the door will be open.

My Spiritual Spinning Class

One Tuesday evening in March of this year, I plopped down in my friends chair in her home preparing for our regular Tuesday night Bible Study with a big sigh that came out of me. Linda asked, “Why the big sigh, Seda?” I thought about why I sighed, I mean I sigh pretty regularly throughout the day—either to catch my breath, or out of relief, or I have no words for this situation. I responded, “You know, Linda, I feel like I’m in a spinning class—but, a spiritual one if you will or so I hope.”

Lately, I have been quite frustrated with the way things are going at church. Yes, I’ll be absolutely honest. I just don’t feel like we are moving and growing spiritually as a church. Maybe, it’s just me because my husband appears enthusiastic, encouraged, and motivated after service every Sunday. I mean every Sunday! As soon as we leave church and get into our car on our way to brunch, he is just filled with emotions and excitement on what he has learned that he cannot wait and hold off on saying something before we even leave the parking lot. I used to be that way; I had that kind of enthusiasm. But, now…what happened? Instead, I find myself doodling on the sermon notes in church while pastor is preaching. I used to take notes vigorously and throughout the week I would go through what I’ve learned from pastor and try to apply it to my daily living. Some weeks, those notes and lessons were so worth sharing that I would try and relive and retell the sermon to my friend Linda.

I have felt restless lately as though I’ve heard our pastor preaching on that same topic or subject last year and the year before and the year before that. But, I know and would like to acknowledge that each time I hear it, he presents it in a different light and approach. This is truly valid because some require hearing it in a different analogy, perspective, or angle. Just like in the Bible, the writers reiterated many times on the same topics over and over but in a different time, place, and environment. So, the question remains—shouldn’t I still be able to relate? Like how seasons change in our lives? So, shouldn’t something else in the sermon stand out at me and speak to my heart? Maybe I really am not paying attention or opening up my heart to God. Maybe I need to wake up the Holy Spirit that is supposed to be alive in me.

And, my final question is: am I in a stagnant phase, spiritually speaking, or am I ready for the next thing as a maturing Christian? I have asked God, I have communed with Him, and I’ve shared this with my wise and godly counsel and sister in Christ, Linda. Currently, I am in the “Spiritual Spinning Class.” Maybe I am just waiting for my husband to catch up while I build spiritual endurance by getting into The Word daily, hearing and soaking in what Pastor Ken has to share on Sunday mornings (after all, he has been anointed by God and given the gift of the Holy Spirit to speak to us so we can grow in Christ and have an everlasting relationship with Him), listening to other great pastors out there like Chip Ingram, Pastor Paul of Fremont, CA, and Rick Warren, and most importantly, by rejoicing in the Lord always by prayer and petition (Philippians 4:4-9, NIV). As I keep in step with all of these points of obedience in love, I am surely on the right path of spiritual growth and endurance. I don’t know what race or marathon God is preparing me for with this spiritual spinning class, but I am absolutely excited!

Let’s pray: Dear Heavenly Father, the Creator of this Universe, and the Planner of all things that go on in life— I come to You today asking for help and guidance to be in your will, your love, and your holy presence. I know that sometimes, Lord, I get distracted thinking that I have already ran that marathon, but may You open up my heart to many more marathons for You. And, You know that in order for me to run my marathon well, I need spiritual endurance. May You continue to grow me spiritually by coming to You and depending on You more and more that I cannot go on in this world without You because I am so dependent upon You. This is what You want, this is your will! Let my mornings be filled with excitement when I come to You as I seek for help from You for each and every day. I love You—and may that love be radiated to those around me.

In your Son’s great and glorious name I pray, Amen.

Let me close with this wonderful scripture (a favorite of mine) JoJo Garcia has shared with me this morning after service (November 5th, 2017): “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”—Romans 8:28 NKJV

His Greatness, Incomprehensible

"Let faith support us where reason fails, and we shall think because we believe, not in order that we may believe." -AW Tozer, The Knowledge of the Holy

I am continually amazed by God's greatness. The moment I think I know who He is and what He is all about, I am allowed and blessed to see another side to Him I did not know before. He is transparent at that moment and that moment only, and then I am left to wonder, again. I am revealed to His exponential power and greatness, his sovereignty and authority above all.

I suppose I will not get to really know who He really is while I'm here on earth--not until I'm home, but only what or how He is like in my journey and investigation through the Old and the New Testaments of the Bible AND of course, through His one and only Son, Jesus. The experiences in my life also help me better understand Him and get to know Him. I get to see His work and touches and even how He thinks put on display in those special moments. There were many times when I was in awe and inarticulate. I was only able to fathom his divine appointments for me. I am certain there will be plenty more of these moments. It's that inner joy that when such things do occur, all I can say is, "That is why I believe in God and why I put my faith and trust in Him." It is to those unanswerable moments when my faith is made stronger in Him. It makes me crave to know Him more and to get closer and closer to Him. And, it's not that I want the answers to everything in life or to be satisfied with what I get. My longing to know the real God is insatiable. I will always seek to know Him for as long as I shall live.

Experiences also add to what I know of Him. From those experiences, my faith in Him is there, contently, so--knowing how He has carried me through, good and bad. I am left to reason and ponder who God really is. From the time I was born to this very day--all experiences lead up to the God I know today.

"Faith is an organ of knowledge, and love an organ of experience." -AW Tozer, The Knowledge of the Holy

The God I know today is a God who is full of grace, mercy, and wisdom—a God whose love has never failed me thereby, showing me how to love.

He is a jealous God who wants me to worship Him only. Not my husband, my daughter, my career, my friends and family, money, things--outside superficial, material things. He requires for me to worship Him only.

He asks me to give my family to Him, my valuables and belongings to Him because they are not mine. They are His. I am His.

The God I know today is One whom I can go to and confide in because He listens. He has heard my cries and seen my tears. He has answered prayers and heard my praises as I rejoice and shout out to Him.

He is a God who cares. His heart breaks when my heart breaks. When I am down on my knees in despair, He leans over and puts His hand out to lift me up again.

After all, He gave me the gift of emotions because He feels and He hurts for me. He laughs and cheers me on. He makes me joyful even when circumstances are hard because of His presence.

The God I know today has my best interest at heart--even when it means I would have to live and go through mistakes, but from those mistakes--He raises me up. Oh, how He raises me up! He gives me lessons and rebukes me because He loves me so!

He is a God who provides all things. He gave me this gift of life--the gift of being a wife to my dear husband and a mother to my loving daughter. He gave me the talent of being a nurse with a compassionate heart...because I have seen His compassion at work--all around because He is omnipresent.

The God I know is a God of second-chances and many more. He is omnipotent full of glorious power that sustains me and YOU, through and through. He knows of my hurt, shame, regrets and disappointments. He is omniscient. And, because of this...because He is all-knowing, I am comforted.

Oh, the God I know...
                 the God I love, the God I adore...
                                                    Oh, the God I know.

Perception Matters Much

We are faced with circumstances on a daily basis--in our relationships with our families, children, coworkers, friends and acquaintances. The tendency is to complain about what we go through, as if we're the only ones going through the situation. News flash! You are not the only one walking this planet.

My most recent goal has been to be intentional about being filled with joy and contentment no matter the circumstance. Boy, has it been a difficult mission! I want to be like the apostle Paul minus all the horrible and inhumane things he went through. I want the easy way. But, then God says, "Seda, how will you appreciate Me if I don't give you this to deal with or that to think about? Do you doubt me? Watch and see how I will carry you through!"

He is certainly right! Because, boy, am I convicted when I face a difficult circumstance and wonder how I got through it without further and permanent damage! I look up to God and thank Him for carrying me through.

Back to the point, yes, I want to be like Paul but without all the inconvenience--the pain, suffering, and torture. And, like Jesus when He walked this earth. Jesus faced many, many trials and accusations. And, the false accusation of blasphemy was why the Pharisees took away His life and crucified Him. Many times in our lives, we will be persecuted, but how will we rise from it? Will we fight back with resistance and with how we've been treated or how God asks for us to--which are with love and prayers?

Paul said to the Philippians (4:12), "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." To be wise, filled with knowledge, certainty, and the Holy Spirit like him would require a whole lot of trials and tribulations. It is through those difficult times that produced character and wisdom in Paul.

I admire how Paul dealt with the circumstances he faced in his lifetime. Most of all, I admire his perception. As long as we can get our perception focused on the one truth and that truth is that we already have "great gain" according to Pastor Bill Craig of Trinity Baptist Church of Livermore, California--we are GOOD! That great gain is having our Savior, and personally knowing who He is. So take advantage of this relationship and appreciate it by building a stronger and stronger relationship with Him. Paul has concluded that he has learned the secret of being content in any and every situation because he acknowledged that he had already been given great gain and that is the gift of the Holy Spirit in our lives--the gift we received from God for the fact that Christ could no longer walk this earth with us, but He is walking in us--in our bodies, the holy temple for which the Holy Spirit resides.

To elaborate on Pastor Craig's previous teaching, we are beyond blessed. And,when we realize this--we start to be more thankful of what we already have. We've been redeemed, forgiven, saved, and accepted into His kingdom. Did you know that we are adopted children of His? That means He already paid that full price of adoption for us and we are His children.

Let's live like we are His children--by first accepting His love, accepting Him into our lives, confessing that He is the One, True God and love Him. Reciprocate that love back to Him. And, then we must love our neighbor as ourselves, His second command for us (Matthew 22:36-39).

Are we privileged or what?

We are beyond blessed brothers and sisters--let's live with that knowledge and purpose in mind.

You are His.

 

My other great gain!

The Value of Just Listening

Have you ever been frustrated with someone who just needed to listen to what you had to say, but they wouldn’t allow you to finish your point or sentence or assumed they heard you say or mean something else? Has your wife or husband ever told you, “I wish you would just listen, honey.”? Have you ever thought: I wish she would just ask me what I really meant, hear my story, so she can help me better, instead of jumping to conclusion?

Listening makes people feel loved, valued, affirmed, and that you sincerely and genuinely care about them. It is one of the most important factors to communication and understanding. Listening does not equate to hearing. God gave us ears to hear and a heart to understand. Put your heart into hearing to listen well.

We all have a passion or two about some things in our lives. As adults, we have some sort of leadership such as parenting, taking care of our patients, being a bible study group leader. And, being a great leader means you must have great listening skills because it leads to better problem-solving, understanding, and trust from the other person.

Most recently, I have been really passionate about what it means and what it takes to be a good listener because I have been on that other end. For instance, I was expressing a concern I had at a staff meeting and my supervisor jumps right in and makes an assumption about what she thought I meant instead of asking me to clarify or even give examples to my concern. Another situation was when I was going over some of the feelings and concerns I had with my husband about household stuff, and in the middle of my sentence, he told me he understands and doesn’t need for me to reiterate. These are classic examples of poor listening. It’s as if I have been rejected and the feelings I experienced were: I am not worthy, I am not loved, my concerns do not matter, I have been misunderstood…

So, really, the question is…do we want to be that person? If we fail to listen to our fellow man, to other people, to our friends, to our spouse, to our children, so we fail to listen carefully to the instructions of the Lord. Paul warned us against quenching the Spirit in 1 Thessalonians 5:19. This goes hand-in-hand with actively listening to the Holy Spirit who is in us in those who have accepted Jesus Christ as our Savior. Listening well is vital for understanding the communicator. It lets the other person know that their feelings, concerns, and fears are not being extinguished or quenched. Listening well helps you to fully understand the person’s concerns, fears, anxiety, belief, and so on. It helps you to break down that wall one brick at a time. Therefore, do not diminish another person due to your poor listening skills. Instead, listen carefully to what the other person has to say. Ask questions. Clarify.

When my husband and I went to marriage counseling a few years ago, one of the most important things we learned about our marriage was that we were not great communicators. We were terrible. My take-away from the counseling was the ability and the need to mirror our conversation with each other. Our therapist had us mirroring each other’s sentences. It helped a whole lot in terms of understanding what the other person had to say. But, how did that fall by the wayside? We have to truly be proactive about actively listening to show that we care.

James, Jesus’ brother, a leader in the Jerusalem church advised us, “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (James 1:19, NIV). When we do not listen or listen too little and speak too much, we are communicating to the other person that what we think, our ideas, and our concerns are more important than theirs. We must be aware and keep track of our listening and our talking. Smoke detectors should come on when we are just hearing and not listening, when we talk about our life situation more than asking the other person about how they are doing or what they are going through. Let the other person know that you care about them, that you love them, and that they have value in your life by actively listening and verify that their points have been understood. Let this hit home with you: “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame” (Proverbs 18:13, ESV). God gave us ears to hear, so let your heart and mind listen for understanding.